Walls

Old grey walls
eaten away
crumbled
decomposed
carried away
covered over
collapsed
composted -

over time grown beautiful
and gone
to become again
transformed.

(Note to self: do not replace old walls out of habit or fear)

Confessions of a Creatrix aka “I’m FINE!”

A change is as good as a holiday, but long-term change can make you need a month in the Maldives!

I look in the mirror at my gaunt face and bags under the eyes. My tummy aches, my jaw is tense and I am grinding my teeth. My heart hurts, my skin burns, my nails flake and there are days when suppressing panic takes all of my focus. The dark rings under my eyes take so much ‘cover-up’ I risk looking like a clay sculpture and I have disturbed sleep patterns. I thought I had gone through menopause, but it was just shock, so now I’m going through menopause and it feels like “aaaargh, again!?!”

I tell you folks, some days are just so depressing – even my hands hurt typing.

I am, however, in a remarkably good space. My love life is hot, my kids are divine and work is juicier than ever before. I just struggle with the limbo and, even as Queen of Void-space and Allowing Flow Beyond Reason, this not-knowing and waiting for external decisions that are all interdependent on each other is testing my philosophies to their absolute limits. My patience has stretched beyond two years and my optimism is showing cracks.

I am waiting and trying not to. I am trusting and double checking my trust. I flow and I don’t. I care and I don’t. I am planning and letting go. Everything feels ‘almost there’ and yet nothing is actualising. Yet.

So, all in all, I am bored, restless, engaged, confident, ambitious, determined and distraught. I am totally excited by my life’s adventure and reeling from the challenge of floating on a cushion of hope without material or visible substance. I am so calm, and so stressed.

so...I wonder why they say that women are hard to understand?

Need-to-know

The thing about working with change is this:
Often you don't know what you need to now until you need to know it.

This is the nature of change.

Transitioning:

(Verb) The act of coming to terms with what is, and what must change. The wrestle with fears, patterns, desires and dreams. The summoning of phenomenal strength of courage and intention, to surrender, trust, allow and let go. 

The next excruciating act on the stage of life: birthing an invisible elephant.

To describe this gut-wrenching phase requires multiple languages of different senses, so why bother. Everything that is named will change and most of the cries one makes during labour are soon stories not to be taken too seriously

So I do what the feminine has always done, I hold, breathe, move, push. I focus inward on the bands of taught muscle and feel my belly as a canopied forest, my heart a star-filled sky. I feel my North Pole at my throat and my Southern in my base. I become aware of the moment..

Then I wrap my arms around this earth-me, fold my legs up to protect and support me. I rock gently, croon, wail – all those birthing songs mothers know so well and I say: okay. I’ll observe this great learning of the metaphors of life and change. I will thrash when I have to and take ease and rest when needs must.

 I will try to be graceful...

...but I cant promise.

Moving through

In the chaos we push

Its not the pushing that makes the difference -

it’s the chaos

The chaos channels creation

Rather than push, pay gentle attention

Notice everything that you love

and how it is beautiful

Fill yourself

5 spirited tools for change

Support is useful as we process changes and create new worlds, so here’s a quick list of friends:

1. C for healing

Over-working the fixing process is getting a bit old: you are who you are - be at peace and let’s get on with it. However, there have been deep healings and there will still be some dregs and residues, so when you are going through some familiar stuff in symptom or attitude, take Vitamin C.

2. Greens for creating

Greens contain the mineral information of physicality and help us build substance. When you need to push through new intentions, manifest dreams and lay claim to your true self, take as many varieties of herbs, and leafy greens as you can. Drink Green Smoothies (Google if you don’t know about them) and, if needed, fortify with super-greens.

3. Oils for planning

New ideas, strategies, busy-mind, stress or too much technology? Take oils. The electrical activity in the brain is high at these times, so access the excitement by soothing the conductors. Boost your capacity for expanded consciousness every time you’re immersed in mental focus or risk excess stress without resolution.

4. Iron for commitment

Iron is your absolute ally when you need to be true to your commitment. Strengthening resolve, building passion and supporting determination, iron is perfect for pulling you through ‘danger zone’ moments.  

5. Water for Clarity

Water - beautiful, enlivening, enchanting water!  Bathe, drink, spray, splash – be near water, visualise water and honour the power of this amazing resource. And , while you’re at it, use the water-ways to send good vibes to the water molecules  (if you think I’m a noodle, Google  the work that has been done with transforming water crystals.)

So, pack your Care Kit and go Change Agents! Foat like a butterfly, sting like a bee and remember: crazy is the new sane.

Danger Zone

I thought I gave up this blog. It seemed representative of a Before and the time after that, when one integrates its loss (you know - before After, and in Now!)  However, it was actually the Danger Zone of Change Model 4.

Change Model 4 shows a circle of transformation moving from Loss, Doubt and Discomfort into Discovery, Understanding and Integration before change is fully manifested.

Between Discomfort and Discovery lies a bright red No-Man's Land marked "Danger Zone" - its the part in any change where we may give up. We feel unproductive, confused and anxious, so we risk letting go of the intention and skulking back to The Way Things Were (pronounced in a voice of dread.)

The experienced have come to know that giving up is a false move, because The Way Things Were has changed, but it can take a while to accept. The innocent have to get shocked at the electric fence a few times, before they believe it :)

Anyway, I find that if I knuckle down, get insular, focus on what feeds my senses and manage the rest, I usually pull through more or less in tact. Actually, sometimes I am known to positively thrive on the drama of the Danger Zone and to really enjoy my scars, but it's not really socially acceptable behaviour.

Anyway, I suppose I'm chasing this blog as way of restating my will to move forward and my conviction that its the way that excites me most. There's a Blue Moon rising, the wheels of time have clicked into place and the watershed moment is upon us.

I know the generosity of satisfaction. Now I want more!