Confessions of a Creatrix aka “I’m FINE!”

A change is as good as a holiday, but long-term change can make you need a month in the Maldives!

I look in the mirror at my gaunt face and bags under the eyes. My tummy aches, my jaw is tense and I am grinding my teeth. My heart hurts, my skin burns, my nails flake and there are days when suppressing panic takes all of my focus. The dark rings under my eyes take so much ‘cover-up’ I risk looking like a clay sculpture and I have disturbed sleep patterns. I thought I had gone through menopause, but it was just shock, so now I’m going through menopause and it feels like “aaaargh, again!?!”

I tell you folks, some days are just so depressing – even my hands hurt typing.

I am, however, in a remarkably good space. My love life is hot, my kids are divine and work is juicier than ever before. I just struggle with the limbo and, even as Queen of Void-space and Allowing Flow Beyond Reason, this not-knowing and waiting for external decisions that are all interdependent on each other is testing my philosophies to their absolute limits. My patience has stretched beyond two years and my optimism is showing cracks.

I am waiting and trying not to. I am trusting and double checking my trust. I flow and I don’t. I care and I don’t. I am planning and letting go. Everything feels ‘almost there’ and yet nothing is actualising. Yet.

So, all in all, I am bored, restless, engaged, confident, ambitious, determined and distraught. I am totally excited by my life’s adventure and reeling from the challenge of floating on a cushion of hope without material or visible substance. I am so calm, and so stressed.

so...I wonder why they say that women are hard to understand?