I come to this page ready to write. I have longed to get the time and access to a computer to do so. Now, what the hell am I going to write? I go blank.
So much has happened in the lifetimes since last Thursday's flamboyant purge, every emotion and insight has had profound value, I want to work and share, but I also think: so what?
Do I tell of the incredible messages that Huletts sugar keeps popping at me every time I grab a coffee with a little sachet? Take big leaps, truth is simple etcetera. Thanks Huletts, your timing has been good and the message clear.
What about the homemade meals that arrive anonomously each day at school for the children to bring home? Details like this can never be underestimated - we dont even know we're hungry until we eat, and then the care nourishes and strengthens us so magically that we cannot imagine how we did not notice our ravenous bellies.
How gently and compassionately our needs are met! I have soft, beautiful underwear, new clothes, cash, food, space to share in peoples homes, shoulders to cry on, words of encouragement and support. My children are clear eyed and brave, my husband heart-warmingly open. My family encompasses us in loving protection, my friends see our strength and vision and help us to maintain the forward motion. Life is dramatic, emotional, scary, yet poignantly very, very sweet. It truly is enough to turn a girl religious!
And then I have this incredible desire to be clean - not exactly OCD handwashing, but it could be the spiritual version. I have a sense of ozone-ping-shiny-sea-air-light(!) It is absolutely all I want to experience. Anything that is not of this high vibration causes a violent reaction in the pit of my stomach. I am searching for it in all that I do and decide - smoky is out, clean is in - with a vengeance!
On Thursday, spontaneously, I found myself at the sacred site of burned mass, walking with my sister at exactly the time that the fire began. I had been dreaming of planting a field of yellow daffodils and she arrived with yellow roses. We walked through the space that had been home, hardly believing that we couldn't sit down at the kitchen table to chat and save the world!
We laid yellow roses at the doorways, in the space that had once been my magic cupboard of dreams and on the still smoking tree outside. We held each other and cried. I raged at all the old shit I wanted to let go of and then we finished, closed the gate, placed a rose in it and left. It was exactly the time that I left a week before - a ritual good-bye.
We still seek a refuge, somewhere we can close the door and be just the four of us, yet we are learning that space, freedom and peace is inside of us and not reliant on our house. We need to deal with an overwhelming amount of details and I have to resist the urge to run towards the horison.
I shall feed on the clean, shiny light, it gives me the strength to do what needs to be done - it keeps me clear and focussed. And, at every moment, of every day, I shall love my tribe and give thanks in a thousand ways.
Blessed be, there is so much beauty in this wonderful world.
Ho.
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