Redemption songs

So won’t you help me sing
Those songs of freedom…

On the day of the fire, I had three lucid moments.

The first was as I went to the window, wet from the shower. In that moment, as flames tore across the field towards me, I knew a doubtless certainty. Every piece of my Being integrated into one solid Absolute. I Knew. I became calm, even as my exterior danced the fandango.

The second was as I carried our cat to safety, not sure if I could make it. The smoke was thick and the flames close. It seemed like a long risky run during which I could disappear in the smoke and get into trouble unnoticed. There was intense midday brightness, the heat of the fire was incredible and I had another moment of powerful clarity. I felt a surge of awareness. This was my pristine moment. I was flooded with joy; we would be alright; everything was for a reason and all is beautiful! I knew then that this was a promise.

The final clarity was when I was driven away by my beautiful, protective friend. Behind us the house was a smouldering wreck, the police interview was over, I needed to fetch the children and share the news. As we picked up speed, elation suddenly whipped through me. I threw my hands up and screamed: “Free! I’m totally free!” and then we laughed hysterically.

These have been my treasures, my sometimes secret truth. I have clung to them like a shipwrecked sailor in the middle of the ocean and I have used them as lanterns to negotiate dark tunnels. I have turned them over so much, holding on to the message with determination that is sometimes just plain stubborn.

Yet I grow weary.

Limbo dancing is for the lithe and I am fighting the inner rigidity of doubts and “what ifs”. I return to the moments, rolling them over in my hands. My thinking makes them cold and I realise: this is the challenge of freedom.

I know this because I watch my doubt fragment my experience of certainty. I watch my mind talk myself into logic; and sensibility; and taking certain care ‘just in case’. I gently remove my sense of joyous freedom like a mother taking a toy from a child. What if I hurt myself? What if I hurt others? What if I just can’t do it?

And then my dragon roars!

So won’t you help me sing
Those songs of freedom,
They’re all we’ll ever need-
Redemption songs,
Redemption songs.