The road less travelled

Sorry, Scott Peck, I know you used this title first and I use it in recognition, as I attempt to keep myself on this same road… perhaps there isn’t even a road?

I feel as if I have veered off my old well-worn highway and repeatedly find myself in some inner twilight, entangled in a scrubby bush with thorns. Its okay if I move slowly, but I just wish I knew which direction to go to avoid these scratches!

I felt so clear when I walked off in this direction, but now I am increasingly aware of the background hum of traffic, as that old highway continues to service my old ways. It becomes almost alluring, although I tell myself that this is merely my struggle to overcome my addiction to petrol fumes haha.

It helps to remind myself of all the good reasons I left that particular highway and why I have clung tenaciously to my vision of a new way and a new life. I tell myself that this is a conscious choice; there is another bright road for me to travel. But, and this must be said in a whiny voice, it would be so seemingly easy to run back to the order of that road. I could soldier on making nice out of nothing and settle into accepting discarded dreams as the reality of life.

You see, this is why I love blogging : its such a cool way to unravel my head. I mean a few sentences of unmitigated whining and even I get bored and would rather run for the thorny bush and get on through to the other side! Besides, it reminds me that I will not go back to ‘making do’ and ‘soldiering on’ which is what feeling sorry for myself makes me think I should do. Blogging like this reminds me that compromise is innately dissatisfying and compromise of the self even more so.

So I pep talk myself instead: Time, money or doubt (the dogs currently barking at my heels) shall not sideline me from keeping faith in what I want. They shall not prevent me from refusing to accept less than the promise I have made myself. Time is imaginary, money can be created and doubt is a waste of both.

Dissonant voices shall not discourage me either. This one is hard for me. I sometimes carry a huge iron weight of responsibility along this little-travelled pathway. I remain resolute, but - martyr to the cause - drag other peoples doubt along with me (in the interests of being open-minded, of course!) I think I’ll take an iron supplement instead, I’ll feel both stronger and lighter!

Note to self: The above is an elaborate construct of blame to allow self-pity and doubt, so I shall totally scratch it. I cannot make everybody happy, but I can be true to myself.

Anyway, that’s just a little rave from a woman who is trying not to lose it in the face of the great unknown! Sometimes all at sea without a life raft and other times centred and knowing beyond my wildest dreams, I’m working to hold my clarity.

But, I do know for sure that the big wheel is turning, all is well and every little ting’s gonna be okay!